Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Times...

It isn't the New Year yet, but I am working from now until then so it is probably about time to look back. As the virile legend Ron Burgundy noted, Bob Dylan once said "the times they are a-changin'." For me they really are. I look back at this year and see nothing but change, from unemployment to employment to unemployment again and now back on track and working like crazy. I went to England with a side trip to Wales, and I drove from LA to Seattle with nothing but a radio and my sparse thoughts as entertainment. I probably surfed less than I have in a single year than any other since I was eleven years old, but I feel as comfortable in the water as ever. I met some great people and a couple bad ones, and the same goes for women.

Overall I chalk it up to a year of extremes. Luck was either very much on my side or not at all. Streaks were enjoyed and spited. I think all of this reminded me of a valuable lesson learned several years ago now: things never stop changing, but one must maintain a stable state of mind. The clock forces the pendulum to continue to swing, but the base of the pendulum always seeks the bottom. The best course of action, it now seems to be, is to blaze one's own trail with his eyes on the final product. I have no idea what 2009 will bring me and I am extremely grateful for that. I welcome any lessons and goodies you have in store for me, coming year. In fact, I can't wait to get started.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

LA's Unexpected Lessons

The last couple of months have been trying for me in a few ways. I am working two jobs and an internship totaling precisely seven days per week of responsibilities. There hasn’t been much issue except for the occasional fatigue and the wonder of how I don’t have more money. Still, it’s good and I’m happy with the way things are going. It is much better to be doing this than to be unemployed.

A couple days ago I surfed some fun little waves close to my house. Many people know that this is a rare thing to occur and I was really stoked. I was sitting in the water thinking about the fortune under which my life operates. Earlier this year I met a friend who told me that I needed to look at what I have and what I am getting versus what I don’t have and what I’m not getting. I watched the sun come out through the clouds around 8:30 this beautiful December morning. I am mostly healthy, able to surf, ride my bike everywhere, and I have a great group of people around me.

I got out of the water and saw an eighty plus year old man doing tai chi near where my bike was locked and I thought, this guy is living. This was no young man, but we was on the beach doing the same routine he has likely done for decades. I don’t practice tai chi or really aspire to, but I was just finishing the routine I have done for, now, over a decade. A lot of good is around me and I am glad to be enjoying it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What Men Want

Ladies, you are driving me nuts. Do you know what kind of fiery passion it takes for me to sit down at my computer and waste energy to write something? Quite a bit. Let's face it though, you all, the "gentler sex" are complicated and we gentlemen are pretty simple. I am going to break it down for you in 10 simple steps.

1. First priority is to get some sexin. We don't want to talk, take you out to dinner, buy you gifts for your birthday or holidays, listen to your stories about your friends saying this or that, or anything else. We are hanging out with you to get laid. If we want to talk to someone or go to dinner we can call one of our friends.

2. Enough talking. Men don't solve problems by talking, we solve them by doing. You can interpret that as boning, and you would be correct.

3.. For us, it's either ON or OFF. There is no, "I think I like him, but not really, but he's kinda cute and I think he has money, but he's kinda a dork too, OMG, I don't know." For us there is no confusion. We either want to bang you (hard) or we don't want to bang you at all.

4. The first night: it's OK to put out. This is tangential to #3. There is a myth that men somehow respect women LESS if they put out on the first date. Not true. We respect women who go for what they want over women who hold back because they think it's the right thing to do.

5. You aren't a prostitute, so don't act like one. Making us think that if we don't buy you things, dinner or drinks we won't get laid makes you someone who takes money for sex. That is what fifty cent hookers do. If you want us to treat you well, don't force us to treat you like prostitutes.

6. Keep it hot and smell good. Not all women are victors of the genetic lottery, and neither are all men, but we can all do our best. Looking good is obviously nice, and smell is closely tied to memory so smelling good will leave a good impression on your gent.

7. We love to eat. Some like greasy, unhealthy food, some of us like the healthy stuff, some like it raw. Figure out what your man likes to eat, practice making it a few times until it's ultra tasty, then make it and make enough for him to dig into and maybe have leftovers. Do this and he might even cuddle with you that night, after the sexin of course.

8. We have our own hobbies, slow your roll. I surf, you don't and that works for me. Get in the way of your man doing what he loves and any future you may have had will be doomed.

9. Don't talk about your ex's. Ever. We realize you have been fucked before, and that is important because otherwise you would probably be horrible in bed. We are just incredibly uninterested in hearing about the guys you have dated.

10. Girls we're fucking versus ladies. Some girls are permanently in the realm of "girls we're fucking," while others will enter the realm of "girls we may have seen during daylight." In order to enter the latter, follow the above steps.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Crazy week worthy of note

In the last fews things have gone a little crazier than usual. I worked all day Friday then rushed to get a costume (think 1950's officer Dangle with a real mustache), I got some stuff then went to get in my car. It refused to work as has the same symptoms as when it broke down 6 months ago on my trip to the Pacific Northwest. I celebrated Halloween, but went to sleep before two with work in the morning.

I was feeling a little sick Sunday, but not too bad. I toughed out work with lots of coffee. I went to work at another job Monday feeling like absolute shit, and I had my car towed to the repair shop. They were going to send me home, but a few people had already gone home. I couldn't really speak, but I made it out alive. Yesterday I barely slept then was supposed to work at 11 AM, but I went to the clinic (poor speak for "hospital") so I could get a prescription for antibiotics. I got someone to cover my work shift and I slept all day.

I watched the election results and went to sleep right after BrObama's speech. It was a great historic event with some partying to be done, but I wasn't quite up to it. I think it was the first time in years I have missed a day of work and a night of partying for being sick. It was devastating seeing Prop 8 pass here in California. This means that our state's constitution must define marriage as being on;y between a man and a woman. What's wrong with us people? The high speed rail initiative passed, but the bond that would have saved the state money and given incarcerated people a chance to go to rehabilitative programs was rejected by 60% of voters. Sometimes it seems like we have gone so far, and sometimes it seems like we are moving backwards.

I waited all day yesterday for a diagnosis on my car and the guy didn't call. He called me at 8 AM to say that nothing was wrong with it. Sure enough, I go to drive it and it works perfectly. Pay $70 and you can take it, Benhameen. I can breathe and swallow now and I'm pretty stoked on that. I still have a massive spider bite on my nose that seems to be growing even larger than it was a week ago when I got it. I can also drive, though I am confident my car is waiting until I don't suspect to break down again. It's a vindictive bitch like that. Unless you're reading this, car, I love you.

Enough.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm cheating to save my nuts.

Yesterday was the beginning of the illustrious and brilliant month of Movember. The month, a simple amalgamation of November and Mo, short for Mustache in many countries, encourages men to not shave their upper lips for the entire month, then look for sponsors of the event to raise money for prostate cancer research.

Here's the problem: I have been growing my mustache for the past month and a half. I have even trimmed it twice to avoid spare hairs in my mouth. A true Movember participant will shave on 11/1 and let it grow the whole month, but I think my minor deviance from the rules will go uncalled if I can raise some good cash.

Anyone in on either side?

Monday, October 13, 2008

22's Swan Song, Welcome 23

This weekend I had the distinctive pleasure of enjoying my 23rd birthday with my closest friends in a weekend that included plenty of wine, beer and booze, working during the day and surf film marathons. For everyone who came, you made it happen and you rock. For those who didn't, I will be even older next year, but let's not consider waiting until then.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Let's Secede!



Hey Californians, are you tired of being a part of these "united states" and want to reform the republic that was once so great and could be great again on its own? We have everything we need on our own already.

The federal government doesn't represent our needs anyway, why pay taxes to it? California Republic today!

Friday, October 3, 2008

It's Saturday and I'm Catching Up

It's Saturday night and I should be out partying. Then, I probably shouldn't have been out the last week straight on weeknights boozing and enjoying hangovers the next mornings. Such is the life of a man working lots of non-traditional hours. I have had a lot on my mind: surfing, the elections, women, wine, my health, life philosophy and traveling, all of which seem to ebb and flow in ways that are never quite convenient.

There's a certain beauty of living in a city if Venice could be called one. I think so. People everywhere, diversity. It makes me want to go to other cities and countrysides at the same time.

I recently had two visions that I was looking at myself from another perspective, and not necessarily in a good or bad way. In one I was taking out the trash at one of my jobs and I saw myself as much older, looking back at my young self and chuckling, saying that it will one day be much different and perhaps that I should enjoy this simplicity. In the other one I was at my restaurant job and I saw myself as old, turning 23 in a week. I couldn't believe that I was turning 23, seeing that as an old age. I was a young kid noticing how much had changed already.

I don't know how any of this is relevant, but that notion is irrelevant.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Year 2000 Headline: CD's may one day be obsolete, but world still loves Americans

I went to 7-11 to buy a tall boy after working 12 hours today. I had my correct change out and beer in hand and they said my ID was invalid...

So instead I found this story posted on Yahoo today on a "new" technology to replace CD's. It's quite revolutionary. Sounds something like what would have been tossed around just before the iPod came out:


Just as vinyl once gave way to compact discs as the main physical medium for music, could CDs be replaced now by a fingernail-sized memory card?

Perhaps not entirely, but SanDisk Corp., four major record labels and retailers Best Buy Co. and Wal-Mart Stores Inc. are hoping that albums sold on microSD memory cards will at least provide an additional stream of sales. The companies were expected to unveil plans Monday to sell memory cards loaded with music in the MP3 format, free of copy protections.

Called "slotMusic," the new format is meant to address two intertwined trends. Most albums are still sold in a physical format — 449 million were sold on CDs in 2007, while 50 million were sold digitally, according to Nielsen SoundScan — yet CDs are decreasingly popular. Albums sold on CD dropped almost 19 percent last year.

Given this, the record labels — Vivendi SA's Universal Music Group, Sony BMG Music Entertainment, Warner Music Group Corp. and EMI Group PLC — are hoping slotMusic can be another physical revenue source — and one that is more versatile than CDs, given the kinds of gadgets people carry around these days.

Unlike when the CD was introduced and people had to buy new players, many people already have the ability to play slotMusic albums, since many cell phones and multimedia players support microSD cards.

These new albums will come with a small USB dongle that lets buyers use them with computers, too.

"Particularly in this kind of economic climate, the idea of being able to use an electronic device you already own to enjoy music rather than going out and buying a dedicated player is pretty compelling," said Daniel Schreiber, who heads the audio-video business unit at SanDisk, which created the microSD card format and is working on the technology behind slotMusic.

Schreiber said slotMusic albums will be sold on 1 gigabyte microSD cards, which means they will be able to hold a full album and related content such as liner notes and cover art. Buyers will be able to use extra space on the cards to hold songs and photos from their own collections.

The cards and dongles will come in boxes similar to current CD packaging, and Schreiber expects the cost of slotMusic releases to be "in the ballpark" of current CD prices.

It's not yet known exactly when — or how many — albums will be initially sold in the format, but Schreiber expects retailers to give a "sizable amount of shelf space" to slotMusic albums. The albums are expected to debut at multiple retailers, including Best Buy and Wal-Mart stores in the U.S., and later in Europe.

Rio Caraeff, executive vice president of Universal Music Group's eLabs digital music unit, said the label will initially release about 30 titles in the slotMusic format. The titles will include old and new albums, such as one by singer Akon.

"We want to provide the benefits of digital music to people who go to physical retail environments," he said.

Asked whether he sees the format taking the place of the CD, Caraeff said, "I think we would certainly hope that would be the case, but I don't think we are so tied to that."

NPD Group entertainment analyst Russ Crupnick sees a potential for slotMusic to emerge as a compelling format. He said the industry needs "desperately" to give people a new reason to head back into the music sections at brick-and-mortar stores.

"Not that we want them out of the gaming section, but once they're done looking at `Guitar Hero' we want them to come look at the music section," he said.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Eminence of Fall

I am not the only person who has been noticing this. Yesterday evening my room mate commented that it seemed like it was getting cooler and seemed like fall. Today I was surfing and I overheard someone say that the ocean reminded him of fall. I have been noticing for the last two weeks that fall is coming is a hurry.


Devereaux Point, Goleta, CA, November 2006.

There is something veritably different about fall in Southern California that we don't tend to see in other seasons or regions. The light grows pale earlier, and the angle of the sun changes to just a bit farther South, leaving a glow that is more amber than white and changing the shadows from buildings and trees. The direction of the wind changes from Southerly to Northerly, causing a bump on the ocean starting around 11 AM that is distinctive to that of summer. Then there's the fires. The smell of a fire burning in nature makes me think of starting school, Halloween, my birthday, and the great waves that come along every October.

People often say they don't like California because you don't get a change is seasons. Granted, we don't get leaves falling like clockwork, or snow on the ground, or birds suddenly chirping, but if you have your ear on the ground and your eyes open, you will notice fall coming. The change comes slowly and within nature's own timeframe. It's in no rush to become cold or hot.

Leave that winter coat in the closet, it's still in the seventies. You won't need a thick wetsuit yet, or a stock of eggnog, or a snow plow. I am just trying to enjoy it. I like to think of it was a different shade of sunglasses, courtesy of Mother Nature.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sausage Fest


Your favorite blogmaster has been at it like crazy lately, with a couple new jobs and more on the horizon. I worked at a new restaurant for the lunch yesterday then went straight to West Hollywood for a wedding in the evening. It went down like normal: flowers, candles, great food, vast wine selection, impeccable Gucci suits, and two men tying the knot...

Yes, it was quite the sausage-fest. All kidding aside, it was pretty cool to see. I have worked probably 100 weddings, and I am not always a fan of the whole thing. Kinda phony and pretentious, probably won't work out, that sort of thing. However this time I could see two people clearly in love, and after being together for twelve years they could finally do what the state shouldn't have stopped them from doing in the first place. Bravo.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Still the King

My friend Ryan came up on some passes to the Surfer Poll Awards last night and I had to take him up on the chance to check it out for my first time. The Polls are the Oscars of surfing, with pros, bros, hos, and industry folks in attendance, and awards for best movie, maneuver, wipeout, and finally the rankings of the top dudes and ladies. It's basically a brodeo in Dudeseldorf. Someone will get that one.



Kelly Slater retained his crown as chief shredder of all-time, taking the top nod ahead of the rest of the guys he's been smoking on tour for the better part of the past two decades. In his acceptance speech he thanked the usual deserving contributors then named Dane Reynolds the best surfer in the world. He also spoke of how proud he was of being given this award given the level of surfing today. Today he removed the Clark Kent blazer and wing-tips and returned to the Boost Mobile Pro to score a perfect 10 on one of his waves. Congrats, Mr. Slater, you rip.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

$1.10 per hour

I went down to San Diego for Labor Weekend weekend to surf, have a big reunion with my parents' friends, and have a garage sale. My parents remodeled their house last year and had a bunch of extra junk lying around so they offered my brother and I to have a garage sale to get rid of the stuff, and we would keep all the money we made. They said we could make a few hundred bucks a piece. Good deal, I thought. We spent the night before getting the goods (uhhh, not that good) prepared and driving around and putting up signs.

We got up early to a gloomy morning, put the stuff out on the driveway, and waited. And waited. We practiced throwing a football lefty and I'm good at that now.

We had a total of 5 lookers and 3 buyers. After 2 hours I sent T to see if the goodwill was open so we could call it a day and donate the rest of the stuff, and while he was gone someone came and basically tripled our income.

The total: $11
Split 2 ways: $5.50 each
Per hour: $1.10

My mom bought 2 bagels and a coffee ($6 total) to make change, and we used about a gallon of gas ($4) between the coffee shop and the Goodwill drop off place for a net gain on the day of roughly $1 US dollar. That's even worse than my writing payout (below).

Saturday, August 30, 2008

This ain't balla



P. Diddy, the gentleman who is known for his white party, proprietary vodka (or "vokka" as he says it) and slave-labor built clothing line is now complaining that gas prices are just too high to fly his private jet. His intensifiers, such as "muthafucken" are especially poignant. Really makes you feel for the guy. Check out his video blog:


Friday, August 29, 2008

I'd Hit That


John McCain has chosen his running mate in Alaska governor Sarah Palin. She may be conservative, but she's a lot hotter than Joe Biden, or Hillary for that matter. Nice work McCain, at least you have good taste in women.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Confident or just retarded?

My adventures in unemployment have been well-documented and not without twists and turns that have generally led to further unemployment. I don't know what to believe, because I keep hearing that the economy sucks and that there are no jobs, then I hear about people getting work, and everyone else I know seems to lock into something. This isn't to say I haven't had any offers myself, but I haven't had an offer that foreseeably leads to what I want to do, or that will let me spread my wings and be creative. I have been holding out, applying to job after job (must be well over 100 in the last 6 months) with no results.

This leads me to ask a simple question: am I just confidently awaiting something that fits my skills, or am I just retarded? Am I doomed to years of paper filing, Excel inserting, coffee grinding, and dingus slurping until I reach the point at which I can actually make a decision? The answer to which my magic 8 ball is indicating:


Because when I asked if I will ever work again it said this:

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Super High Me



I just watched the movie "Super High Me," a spoof on "Super Size Me." When I heard the title for the first time I thought it would be about a Mexican grocery store (Super Jaime), but it wasn't. In the movie, a comedian and stoner, Doug Benson, goes 30 days without smoking any weed, then goes 30 days high the entire time. He takes SAT tests, health tests, memory tests, and goes to work, which is doing a standup comedy routine about smoking weed.

It was interesting that he really suffered no consequences from smoking weed. His memory didn't get much worse, neither did his health, and the only thing that got bad was his math skills. It made me think too; if I were a standup comic I could be high all the time also. People with normal jobs that have to do math and interact with people don't have the luxury of being able to make people laugh and get paid for it.

I think maybe I have been applying to the wrong jobs, because doing standup seems like the easiest job of all time, and since I am still unemployed for the time being, I may just get really high, go tell some jokes, and get paid.

Monday, August 18, 2008

57% of Americans 100% delusional, study finds


CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- When it comes to saving lives, God trumps doctors for many Americans.

An eye-opening survey reveals widespread belief that divine intervention can revive dying patients. And, researchers said, doctors "need to be prepared to deal with families who are waiting for a miracle."

More than half of randomly surveyed adults -- 57 percent -- said God's intervention could save a family member even if physicians declared treatment would be futile. And nearly three-quarters said patients have a right to demand that treatment continue.

When asked to imagine their own relatives being gravely ill or injured, nearly 20 percent of doctors and other medical workers said God could reverse a hopeless outcome.


"Sensitivity to this belief will promote development of a trusting relationship" with patients and their families, according to researchers. That trust, they said, is needed to help doctors explain objective, overwhelming scientific evidence showing that continued treatment would be worthless.

Pat Loder, a Milford, Michigan, woman whose two young children were killed in a 1991 car crash, said she clung to a belief that God would intervene when things looked hopeless.

"When you're a parent and you're standing over the body of your child who you think is dying ... you have to have that" belief, Loder said.

While doctors should be prepared to deal with those beliefs, they also shouldn't "sugarcoat" the truth about a patient's condition, Loder said.

Being honest in a sensitive way helps family members make excruciating decisions about whether to let dying patients linger, or allow doctors to turn off life-prolonging equipment so that organs can be donated, Loder said.

Loder was driving when a speeding motorcycle slammed into the family's car. Both children were rushed unconscious to hospitals, and Loder says she believes doctors did everything they could. They were not able to revive her 5-year-old son; soon after her 8-year-old daughter was declared brain dead.

She said her beliefs about divine intervention have changed.

"I have become more of a realist," she said. "I know that none of us are immune from anything."

Loder was not involved in the survey, which appears in Monday's Archives of Surgery.

It involved 1,000 U.S. adults randomly selected to answer questions by telephone about their views on end-of-life medical care. They were surveyed in 2005, along with 774 doctors, nurses and other medical workers who responded to mailed questions.

Survey questions mostly dealt with untimely deaths from trauma such as accidents and violence. These deaths are often particularly tough on relatives because they are more unexpected than deaths from lingering illnesses such as cancer, and the patients tend to be younger.

Dr. Lenworth Jacobs, a University of Connecticut surgery professor and trauma chief at Hartford Hospital, was the lead author.

He said trauma treatment advances have allowed patients who previously would have died at the scene to survive longer. That shift means hospital trauma specialists "are much more heavily engaged in the death process," he said.

Jacobs said he frequently meets people who think God will save their dying loved one and who want medical procedures to continue.

"You can't say, 'That's nonsense.' You have to respect that" and try to show them X-rays, CAT scans and other medical evidence indicating death is imminent, he said.

Relatives need to know that "it's not that you don't want a miracle to happen, it's just that is not going to happen today with this patient," he said.

Families occasionally persist, and hospitals have gone to court seeking to stop medical treatment doctors believe is futile, but such cases are quite rare.

Dr. Michael Sise, trauma medical director at Scripps Mercy Hospital in San Diego, called the study "a great contribution" to one of the most intense issues doctors face.

Sise, a Catholic doctor working in a Catholic hospital, said miracles don't happen when medical evidence shows death is near.

"That's just not a realistic situation," he said.

Sise recalled a teenager severely injured in a gang beating who died soon afterward at his hospital.

The mother "absolutely did not want to withdraw" medical equipment despite the severity of her child's brain injuries, which ensured she would never wake up, Sise said. "The mom was playing religious tapes in the room, and obviously was very focused on looking for a miracle."

Claudia McCormick, a nurse and trauma program director at Duke University Hospital, said she also has never seen that kind of miracle. But her niece's recovery after being hit by a boat while inner-tubing earlier this year came close.

The boat backed into her and its propeller "caught her in the side of the head. She had no pulse when they pulled her out of the water," McCormick said.

Doctors at the hospital where she was airlifted said "it really doesn't look good." And while it never reached the point where withdrawing lifesaving equipment was discussed, McCormick recalled one of her doctors saying later: '"God has plans for this child. I never thought she'd be here."'

Like many hospitals, Duke uses a team approach to help relatives deal with dying trauma victims, enlisting social workers, grief counselors and chaplains to work with doctors and nurses.

If the family still says, "We just can't shut that machine off, then, you know what, we can't shut that machine off," McCormick said.

"Sometimes," she said, "you might have a family that's having a hard time and it might take another day, and that's OK."

Friday, August 1, 2008

The life of a prolific writer

Well, friends and blog readers, I have finally made it. Today I received via PayPal a large sum of money for an article of mine published on a website. The article was about 300 words on the benefits of flip-flops. Evidence of payment below.


If I find 8 cents I can buy something off the El Pollo Loco value menu.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bush Tours America to Survey Damage Caused by His Disastrous Presidency

Courtesy of The Onion.com, this is a tale of the far-reaching devastation caused by one man, in one war-torn country.


Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Monday, July 21, 2008

I Don't Care if Barack Obama is Muslim



It seems like lately there has been a lot of talk of Barack Obama. He should be in the news considering he is one of the most popular and revolutionary (at this point) democratic candidates in a long time. He is the first black president, though in Africa he would probably be considered a white candidate, and he represents hope and change for Americans in terms of domestic and foreign policy. This isn't why he is always on the news though.

Lately on the news there has been a lot of talk about "X percent of people think Obama is Muslim," with followup stories on why people think the Democratic candidate is Muslim. Could it be that his name is weird, like many Muslim names are to Americans? Could it be that "Obama" has 4/5 same letters as "Osama?" Does it matter?

I don't care if Barack Obama is Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, Hindu, Wiccan, Taoist or Jewish. The American constitution says, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." in the First Amendment. We have a long standing tradition that the American president should be Christian, but this is more of a reflection of the fact that many of the people who have emigrated here in the past 500 years have come from countries that were at some point conquered by the Romans and are, thus, Christian.

The founding fathers were not Christian, but Deist, which essentially means they were Christian without the dogma and bureaucracy. They knew that the country would be better off if religion, on of the most sensitive subjects to most people, were left out of the political arena. I believe they were right. I can respect a man of any religion, or of no religion, and the government should do the same.



Why are Christians so concerned about a Muslim?

Christianity and Islam are both Abrahamic religions, and come from the same roots. Christians and Muslims pray to the same God, have similar schisms (Sunni-Shiite, Catholic-Protestant), and share many of the same values. Likely, many Christians and Americans are afraid of Muslims because they don't understand the religion and they think that the terrorists who come from Muslim countries reflect the mainstream of followers of Islam.

Whether Barack Obama is a Muslim or not is of little dispute or consequence. He is not trying to fool anyone, and he shouldn't have to. Our media is so concerned with what church our candidates go to and defect from that they lose the plot of the real important issues, like health care and the current shitty economy. We have had a "strong Christian" president for almost eight years now. If that is the measuring stick people use at the voting booth then they should be hoping Obama turns out to Muslim or McCain turns out to be an Eskimo Witch Doctor.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Still Unemployed


Well, I still have no job, but at least I have now fired a gun. I have been feverishly looking for some kind of job that will aim me in the direction of my desired career (if you don't know, ask, it's cool), but it seems that everyone answers emails and calls slower when employment is involved, and alas I am still unemployed. Kurt and I went to SB yesterday for the day to rock out. We went to Red Rock, which was as amazing as usual, then went to the gun range. I have never been a gun person, or ever shot one. Shooting guns is amazing. I think I am going to be a sniper when I grow up.


We got back on the 101 South this morning to grab a couple waves, some more Jack in the Box, then back to Venice for some detox from said Jack in the Box. No work, but at least the sun is shining, the water is warm, the people are bronze, and I am alive. Work will come soon. Freedom seems to be that which is most at a premium.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The New California Cell Phone Law

On July 1st, it became illegal to use a cell phone in one’s car in California and I am downright cantankerous. Granted one can use a phone with a hands-free feature, such as a Blue Tooth headset, but really the outrageous part of this is the slippery slope down which we are now rapidly sliding.

One only needs to look at the example of other countries, such as Australia and the United Kingdom to see where we are headed when it comes to the government micro-managing our daily lives. In both of those countries the price of gas is much higher than our prices and there is so much surveillance on the roadways that cars come to a virtual standstill on highways. If one is speeding there is no longer a need for a patrolman to pull him over because he will simply receive a citation in the mail. The local municipality will be expecting a check in the next twenty-one days, thank you.

When it comes to cell phones in cars, usage is already illegal in both of these countries. The fines in the U.K. are up to five hundred pound, or roughly one thousand dollars! For using a cell phone in your car! It seems that Orwell’s compatriots have taken his novel as a manual rather than a warning.

Herein lies the problem and said slippery slope. As soon as the state decides to make it illegal to use a cell phone, what is next? Eating a large cheeseburger is surely as distracting to one’s driving as simply talking with one hand on the wheel and one hand holding a phone to one’s ear. And what about screaming children? Should we make it illegal for children to scream in the backseats of cars because it will be too distracting to the driver? What about shaving, or doing one’s nails or hair or makeup, things that have been witnessed many times on Southern California’s freeways? Will listening to my favorite song, and God forbid singing along with it, soon be passé on my morning commute because they are just too distracting?

Besides focusing on simply one of the many distractions drivers can potentially face, this legislation is clearly missing the boat in another way. When I was a freshman in college we did an experiment in my psychology class. There were two parts; both to be timed. In the first part the participant had to try to perform two mental tasks at the same time, and in the second part the participant had to perform a mental task and a physical task simultaneously. The mental tasks were reading and listening, and the physical task was tapping one’s head.

Of course, the results showed that the first part was much slower than the second part, or that it is more difficult to perform two mental tasks than it is to simultaneously perform a mental and a physical task. Driving a car is both a mental and a physical task, like many things, while talking on a cell phone is mental task. Simply holding a phone to my ear isn’t enough of a physical task to distract me from driving well. I can hold a piece of wood to my ear with the same net effect. Therefore, if it is illegal to use a cell phone in a car for fear of mental obstruction, it must be illegal for a driver and a passenger to engage in a conversation while in the same car. It would then also be illegal to have a conversation with oneself, because then you are doubly distracted. Logical, right?

Californians, or at least many Southern Californians, live in our cars for hours per day. In an age in which all bills can be paid via telephone, the entire Internet is available via telephone, and all communication to the outside world is conducted by cell phone, the economy of time is crucial to those looking to get business done between leaving the driveway early in the morning and returning to it late in the evening.

Upon announcement of a recent proposal to tax beer at $0.30 per twelve ounce container a local radio show host suggested that if the California state budget is so askew and we are trying to find things to tax, we should place a premium tax on hotels close to the state capitol in Sacramento for the “morons” who write and pass these laws. I tend to agree. Better than continue to restrict our lifestyles.

Today I filled up my gas tank. Well, I didn’t fill it up all the way because I am an optimist, and I thought that the $4.65 per gallon was too high and would have to go down before my next fill-up. This price was a new record for me, but I am getting used to that benchmark. Every time I buy gas it becomes the highest price I have every paid. Considering that gas was a quarter of this cost just six years ago – reflecting a 345% increase when adjusted for normal annual inflation – this price seems rather high.

It also seems that perhaps the government just does not want us to drive. Imagine a train system running the lengths of Wilshire and Lincoln Boulevards, and down the middle of the 10 Freeway, Fairfax Avenue and all over the rest of the Los Angeles grid. That must be in the cards, right? With gas prices going through the roof and squeezing the middle and lower classes as hard as the economy already has been, and new legislation to stop us from using our phones in the car, the government is trying to make it so difficult to drive that we will be forced to seek alternatives. Well, when can I purchase my annual train fare? Maybe it will be available as soon as it is illegal to talk to my passenger.

I can live without my cell phone. I have lost it or intentionally left it at home before and never felt more connected to my surroundings. I enjoy time in nature and out of cell service, devoid of contact from any other life forms. The purpose of this paper is not to demand use of my cell phone at all times as a God-given right, but to demand my civil liberties. America was created out of outrage toward an oppressive mother country that would not listen to its demands and created laws out of control, and not necessarily logic or concern for its citizenry.

True, there will be car accidents caused by people using cell phones, but there will also be business and personal relationships cultivated, directions found and boredom quelled. But no longer legally. People tend to do what is best for them personally, but also tend to do what is right. If it is dangerous to drive on a phone many people will hang up. Some will not, at their own risk. Everyday life involves assumed risk and that may be one of the things that just makes it exciting.

The solution is for the government to create awareness on the potential dangers of reckless driving, including DWT (driving while talking), and not take away our right to make our own decisions just because a small percentage of the population chooses not to be responsible and know when to hang up. Education, not legislation, will make our roads and communities safer. We are now only left with the choice to hope our legislators will not continue down the slippery slope that could become much more European, Australian, and Orwellian. Call yours and encourage him or her to do so, just don’t call from your car.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Excellence versus Perfection

So i've been rocking out of late, too hard perhaps. You know, hangover, wake up, work, surf, begin drinking again, repeat. It's wrecking havoc on my rig and I need a break. Maybe after next weekend. Or maybe after the 4th of July, so a couple weekends. Ah, fuck it, it's summer, I'm young.

I got an email from a friend last week and just got around (read: finally put down intoxicants long enough) to reading it. It was one of those chain emails and it was by Jay Leno, certainly not one of my heroes, and someone who I think is pretty damn annoying and not too funny. Nonetheless the note said that 69% of Americans are unhappy with the direction of the country then goes on to cite a bunch of reasons why America isn't doing quite so bad: running water and electricity, cars everywhere, safety basically guaranteed everywhere, etc.

The cerebral side of me wanted to pick a few of the items apart before systematically and symbolically ripping Leno a new one, but I got one important message, and one I learned from the friend who sent it to me. Americans strive to live in perfection. We are taught from a young age to make things perfect, our food is ultra-manicured (though you don't realize it until you try food in other countries), our sidewalks look perfect, and we constantly try to battle age with money.

Herein lies the problem: we must strive to live in excellence rather than live in perfection. If we try to live in perfection we will never be satisfied because perfection is impossible. There is always something to be improved upon. The professor in my Chinese Buddhism course a couple years ago talked a lot about different types of attachment. The strongest one is ego-attachment. Someone who is ego-attached is attached to an idea of the self and the idea that there is something constant and undying within that self that is capable of producing the same, perfect results consistently. We change all the time so there is no permanent self.

Perfection isn't such a great goal anyway. Perfection implies that there is a model or mold for how something much be done and leaves no room for change. Columbus, Einstein, Edison, Darwin, Socrates, and scores of other legendary thinkers and doers were absolutely dissatisfied with the status quo. They wanted to make something that was new and excellent, not just old and perfected. Socrates said to question everything, Edison followed suit and added action to produce a light bulb. Was it perfect? Far from, but it worked and produced a model upon which future engineers could improve.

This was a great lesson for me on which to end my day. It was a day in which I woke up with a headache and too little sleep, went to work and was bored for 8 hours, then surfed like shit in shitty waves. It may have been subpar, but at least I had a great time last night, have a job, and got to ride my bike to surf in warm water. Subpar for me, and far from perfect, but in retrospect, pretty excellent.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I'm back and in love once again.

It's been a long time since my last blog, but I haven't really been surfing either so I have a good excuse. After getting back from my trip up the West Coast I worked catering for a few weeks while looking for jobs. On May 12 I left for England for 10 days with my family. You can see the photos here: www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2239790&l=21bb7&id=3614440.

It was a freaking amazing trip that culminated with scattering my deceased Nana's ashes in the river where she played as a young girl. I got to have a night out with my cousins in Liverpool and observe how the English do their club dancing - I call it Shake and Mad Dog. The men stand around in a semi-circle with tough guy looks on their faces and the women dance in the circle, with each other, dressed like skanks, and somewhat coordinated with each other. I don't know if the English don't like the mix men and women on the floor, if they are timid, or just being proper as they tend to be. Veritably odd.

I got back and was only home for two nights before going to my friend's wedding in Vegas. She got Elvis to sing as she came in and as she and her new husband were pronounced man and wife. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and that Vegas is sin city - I just don't see it. They only thing that stays there is a lot of money if you gamble a lot or decide to pay a cover at a club. Luckily we had a couple hookups and didn't have to pay much to get into these lameass clubs. It was nothing I haven't seen or done at a club in Southern CA. Still, it was great being sardined into a hotel room with all the SB ladies.

Straight back from Vegas and a quick jaunt to SB for a BBQ and bowling I was at my new temp job at a Spanish language TV station near my house here in the city of angels. The people are great and it's an ideal scenario as a temp.

This weekend was my grandma's 75th birthday party at my parents' house in SD and I took the opportunity to return to surfing. I only surfed a few days the entire month of May and I was starting to go a little crazy. Needless to say, enjoying the warm water that often comes with June, along with my home break, I am in love once again. Maybe I needed some time, or maybe I was just being a dumbass, or maybe I was just not within 300 miles of an waves for most of the month. Regardless, I am once again committed to shredding to my heart's content and letting all else fall by the wayside.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Getting Lost



On a recent Thursday afternoon I was walking back from lunch around 3:30PM, excited to soon be off for the day and go surf, eat dinner, then rest for work the next morning at 9. The weather was warm and the wind was blowing and I was tired. My district manager was in for the afternoon, I said "hi" and went back to what I was doing before I left for my brief lunch. I was working and my district manager and store manager asked me to come outside for a second. My gut told me what was going on but my ego and logic told me otherwise: I knew I was either being fired or promoted. Since I knew that the upper-level folks hadn't taken too well to my suggestions for changes in the store, the writing was on the wall: I was done, cut off, fired. I wasn't going to work in the morning.

Being fired is a strange experience and I recommend it to everyone. It can come as a shock or completely expected - mine was the former. It was a shock to be fired from this particular position because I had earned a solid reputation among the majority of my co-workers, but it was not a shock that I would be leaving. I have been itched by the travel bug since I can remember, but it was really starting to fester under my skin and I knew I needed a change. Somewhere austral, I had been thinking. South America perhaps. When I was told that my position was terminated I was taillights and didn't look back at all because I knew that being fired had freed my from that from which I was too afraid to free myself.

I was still in some shock though, wondering what had happened behind closed doors, who said what, and how long this had been in the works, and I went surfing to clear my head. The waves were shit but I came to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be a long-considered road trip to the Pacific Northwest to visit two of my dad's sisters. One of the sisters, Lisa, lives with her husband and three boys In Vancouver, Washington and the other, Janelle, lives in the woods on an island in the Puget Sound just west of downtown Seattle with her longtime partner, Pam, and their crazy crew of Corgis.

I let people know slowly, and they quickly let me know that I was insane for wanting to drive that distance solo. I don't mind driving, and never have. It is therapeutic to drive for that long, especially in wide open, green, beautiful territory because you think about everything you can think of, then at some point the mind just goes into autopilot. I spent the weekend in LA with some good friends, drinking and being jolly. I made the necessary contacts and got directions before packing the wagon and heading to Santa Barbara Monday night for bowling and White Russians with the boys (and Julia) at Zodos. My new ball took the highest score, though not really that high of a score, and we went home well pickled.

The waves were non-existent in the morning in Isla Vista and it was time to get on the road to San Francisco. From Gaviota on north I was on autopilot. I reached San Luis Obispo, fueled up on gasoline and convenience store apple pies and went back to the coast to honor the first leg of my trip with journey along the windy roads of California One. The first and last twenty miles of the One are the best, with sleepy towns, amazing houses and nooks and crannies in the craggy coast that only exist in the dreams or travels of Southern Californians. I flew through Cayucos, Cambria and San Simeon watching the aqua blue ocean get ripped apart by the strong northwest winds. The middle part of the One is home to sheer drops, slow traffic and weak radio signal, but it really let my mind settle down and be dictated by the task at hand, which was to have no tasks.

My friend from UCSB, Leah, lives in the ubercool North Beach district of SF and her new apartment is insane. I made some wrong turns and ended up guiding myself through the entire city of San Francisco rather unwittingly before I found hoirzontal parking on what amounts to the side of a cliff and finding Leah. We went and had dinner at a great Italian place a block from her house and discussed the pangs of post-college life and unemployment and then she bought this credit-card-carrying-only young man a gelato at a shop mere feet from her doorstep. We let our grub settle then managed to get across the street again to meet a friend from high school, Michele, for a couple chilly ones.

The morning meant I had to get going, this time across town to Ocean Beach to meet a former co-worker, Thomas, at his house for a morning surf mission. We drove about 30 minutes south only to end up, of course, back at his place, surfing directly out in front in some cold, punchy, and really fun surf. I haven't worn a pair of booties since I was 16 and I have never worn a hood so it was a new experience entirely. Again it was time to say goodbye and get back on the wide open road. I went east on Fulton, got in the way of some trains, the got onto 19th, which essentially turns into the Golden Gate Bridge. I went to fuel up and noticed the gas was $3.97 a gallon and there were now three payment options: Credit, Debit, and Rectal. I chose credit because I knew my ass would be hurting anyway after the long drive I had planned to Humboldt.



I didn't bring any maps on the trip at all, only used google maps to get a brief view of where I was going before heading out each day. I really liked this. I knew Humboldt was way up north and that it would likely be my last stop before Seattle, but I didn't know how many miles it would be from San Francisco or how long it would take me. I crossed the bridge and didn't really worry about that. Marin is beautiful and now I understand why people pay so much to live there. I went through the western parts of Napa, Sonoma, Santa Rosa and then up through Mendocino and the area known as the Lost Coast. When you get north of San Francisco, and during my whole trip north, the speed limit changes constantly. It much be the tao of northern city planners to embrace constant change. It goes from 70 to 25 and a stoplight in seconds, so chronic users of cruise control, like myself, have to be more alert.



I kept seeing signs for Eureka and it seemed like it was always hundreds of miles away. I reached the Humboldt County line around 4PM and figured I was close. This part of the drive is simply beautiful. There are massive redwoods lining the road, only broken up by picturesque bays and rivers. I got a call from my friend Cole, asking where I was and letting me know that Arcata, where he lives, is about 15 minutes north of Eureka. I had driven for about five hours when I finally pulled up to Cole's house right down the street from Humboldt State University. The wind was still blowing but it was considerably colder than San Francisco or the rest of my northerly drive had been.

Cole and I shot the shit about a lot of different things, from surfing, to mutual friends, to the environment and how to save it. I told him that I didn't understand why there was such a fuss over trees being cut down because there are so many of them in Northern California. He got my humor. We went to dinner then back to his house, then he went to study and I fell asleep. I had decided that I would leave early the next morning and make it to Seattle before too late. I had predicted that it would take about 10 hours to get from Humboldt to Seattle, covering over 600 miles of rugged northwest territory.

I pushed out of Humboldt before 7AM and said goodbye to the coast at Crescent City as I jumped on the 199 to wind inland across the Oregon border. It was a beautiful morning and I saw one surfer about to paddle out in tiny, frozen surf. I crossed the Oregon border around 9AM as my car was breathing gas fumes. The next gas station was in a small town called O'Brien, and gas was considerably cheaper - $3.64 versus $3.99 in California. I wondered why: State taxes, property taxes, price of land, etc. I still haven't come to a conclusion.



The drive through Oregon along the 5 is amazing. The redwood forest corridor is veritably different from the 5 most of us experience in Southern California daily. It is windy in the mountains then drops flat through the plains that cover most of central Oregon. I stopped and ate somewhere along the way then had to succumb to the subsequent food coma and sleep for about 45 minutes right before I got to Portland. I powered through Portland, which is a beautiful city, and blasted through Washington all the way to Seattle, finally pulling into my aunt Janelle's driveway somewhere around 7PM.

Janelle and Pam live in the middle of the woods. Pam and her dad built the house themselves about fifteen years ago and Janelle has lived there almost the whole time. They were amazing hosts. They made me breakfast and dinner each day and we talked about politics and other progressive ways of making the world more enjoyable. We tried to figure out answers to some of the world's most pressing issues, like terrorism and social health, all over our cups of tea, incubated from the chilly, damp outdoors.

On Friday I got to go into the city, which is a 20 minute ferry ride from Bainbridge Island. I wore a corduroy jacket, thinking it would be plenty warm. I forgot to leave my Southern California weather-ego where it belongs. I froze from head to toe with air temps hovering around 40F and a strong wind whipping through the sound. I did get a good chance to check out Seattle by foot, and I saw the really cool market they have right on the waterfront. I had a cup of chowder that was different from any other I've ever had and it was really good. In the afternoon I walked to Janelle's office at Starbucks, where she gave me a tour of the whole building and gave me the whole story of the company. It sounds like a great place to work. I even saw Howard Schultz, the CEO. It was like seeing Michael Jordan...well not really, but pretty cool still.

When I was in the guestroom at Pam and Janelle's house I notice a photo of a family that looked like it was taken in the thirties. The gentleman looked like my grandfather and he was with his wife and their three kids. Turns out it was a photo of my grandfather as a toddler with his brother, sister, and parents, who are my link to Portugal. We spent a lot of time discussing family history and now I really want to find exactly where my great-grandparents came from. Here it is:



I had decided that I would leave Saturday to get to southern Washington and stay with my aunt Lisa, uncle Ron, and their three boys. Pam, Janelle and I walked to the beach down the street from their house and looked for sea-life in the tide-pools. There wasn't a whole lot of activity, maybe even the sea animals don't like the cold, because it was freezing. On out way back we stopped at their neighbor's house. The neighbor's mother-in-law was gardening in just jeans and a teeshirt and I thought she was nuts. When it started snowing I knew she was completely nuts. We chatted for a while and it was back to the warm house. They people up north are just so different. There is a genuine lack of concern for material possessions, and their purchases, tiny to large, seem to be based much more on function and necessity than aesthetics or image. It was very refreshing.



I left in the early afternoon and drove through varying weather, including more rain and snow, to make it to Vancouver by 6PM. Lisa greeted me with a beer, which would be followed by several more as the night went on and we ate dinner at the restaurant Ron runs a few miles from their house. Their family is hilarious and as glad as I am I went to visit them I am disappointed that we live so far away. At the end of the night we watched "American Gangster," which had to be one of the worst movies ever. I only stayed on Saturday night because I wanted to get to San Francisco to see my friend Sasha on Sunday, then be back in Santa Barbara for bowling on Monday night. It seemed perfectly plausible.



I was about six hours into my ten-hour drive from Vancouver to San Francisco when my car shut off on a bridge over Lake Shasta, about 100 miles south of the CA/ OR border. I assumed it was like every other time this has happened and I would be able to restart it right away, but my car wouldn't start. I got a tow truck to come and pick me up, but there was no way to get a repair at 7PM on a Sunday. I would have to stay the next morning and try to get it fixed ASAP so I could get on the road. Well, the next morning I had to play musical repair shops and get my car towed again, finally to find out that I needed a new fuel pump and it wouldn't get there until the next day. I had to stay a second night in a Motel 6 that was only within walking distance of a few car repair joints, another hotel, and a gas station/ convenience store. I got my car back at 2:30 on Tuesday afternoon and not a minute too soon. Here's what I saw mere seconds before my car called time out for two days.



I booked it south down the 5 right through farm country. I called friends in San Francisco and Santa Cruz, but they weren't around so I made the call to ride my steed all the way to Santa Barbara before she would rest. I crossed west before Sacramento and passed through the East Bay at rush hour, but didn't really sit in traffic. I hit San Jose by 6PM and Salinas just as the sun was eeking its last few rays into my eyes.

There isn't a CD player in my car, and my iPod and radio player were stolen last year, so I am stuck listening to the radio as audible entertainment. The farmlands south of Salinas along the 101 are pretty unique to the rest of the West Coast in that the only radio stations are Spanish-language stations blasting Ranchero music and a classic rock station with a show hosted by Alice Cooper. I found quite a few really good classic rock stations along the way. One of the best was based in Eureka.

I don't know by what cosmic connection this transpired, but the song "Jump" by Van Halen made its way to my radion no less than five times on the trip. If it were a current song and I listened to pop stations I would understand, but this song is over twenty years old. It was ironic, of course, that I would hear this song on a road trip. On the night I got my DUI two years ago I sang that very song at a Karaoke bar in San Diego. Here I was, midway through the biggest road trip of my life, hearing a song that had previously held a negative association. It was great to be able to once again put that behind me.

The gusty winds on Gaviota reminded me that I was close, and before I knew it I had made it to the Dome. It didn't seem like it, but I had driven for ten hours and 500 miles. It may as well have been all in the blink of an eye because it didn't phase me at all. I stayed in Santa Barbara for a couple of days to unwind with the boys, drink, ride the waverunner, and be merry. Driving home to LA, the final stretch, saw me pass the 2600 mile mark for the trip. I saw a sign just north of Rincon that LA was 81 miles away. I laughed. Eighty-one miles is nothing. The world just shrank in my perspective.

I had a ton of time to reflect on everything possible during the 40 plus hours I was in my car over the last two weeks, and two quotes sum them up. The first is by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who said "Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains." I like this one because it is so universally applicable. People are constrained by the government on a larger level, but they are also constrained by their parents, society and its expectations, friends, and school. I came to realize that these things can be overcome and are just mental obstructions. Let them go and be free to do exactly what you want to do. Life distilled of these constraints equals being much happier.

The second quote is by Ernest Hemingway, who said that the only things that matter in life are "War, women and wine." I think Hemingway spoke from his heart and loved all of these things, but I don't, because war doesn't quite do it for me. I do think, however, that the only three things that matter in life are waves, women and wine. So elusive, so beautiful, so frustrating and so satisfying. When you find the right one bliss doubtlessly ensues. Had Ernest lived today, and been in my shoes, I think he may agree.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Time your pull out!

According to this article sex lasts an average of 7.3 minutes, or 440 seconds, but not including foreplay.


NEW YORK (AP) -- Maybe men had it right all along: It doesn't take long to satisfy a woman in bed.

A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life.

If that sounds like good news to you, don't cheer too loudly. The time does not count foreplay, and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as "too short."

Researcher Eric Corty said he hoped to ease the minds of those who believe "more of something good is better, and if you really want to satisfy your partner, you should last forever."

The questions were not gender-specific, said Corty. But he said prior research has shown men and women want foreplay and sexual intercourse to last longer.

Dr. Irwin Goldstein, editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, cited a four-week study of 1,500 couples in 2005 that found the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. (Women in the study were armed with stopwatches.)

It's difficult for both older men and young men to make sexual intercourse last much longer, said Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and director of Wellminds Wellbodies in Annapolis, Maryland.

"There are so many myths in our culture of what other people are doing sexually," Brandon said. "Most people's sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are."

Fifty members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research in the U.S. and Canada were surveyed by Corty, an associate professor of psychology at Penn State Erie, The Behrend College, and student Jenay Guardiani. Thirty-four members, or 68 percent, responded, although some said the optimal time depended on the couple.

Corty said he hoped to give an idea of what therapists find to be normal and satisfactory among the couples they see.

"People who read this will say, 'I last five minutes or my partner lasts eight minutes,' and say, 'That's OK,' " he said. "They will relax a little bit."

Monday, March 31, 2008

Gone but not forgotten...




Well, almost. Today is the last day of March and thus the end of Mustache March. I went for the full on creepo, French 70's pornstar look most of the month but today I changed some things around, got creative, and came up with the gay fashionista look. I think it's beautiful in many ways.

Until 3/1/09 or until I decide to craft a filthy mustache again, au revoir moustache, adios bigote, and さようなら髭.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A Philosopher Born in the Time of Robots

I love the country for its simplicity
And the city for its complexity.
I love the land for its scenery
And the ocean for its serenity.
I work short hours for money
And long hours for free.
I started school for the grade,
Stayed in for the education,
And finished for the degree.
I’m a philosopher
Born in the time of robots.

I ride my bike around the corner
For a clear conscience when I drive far.
My hand is a mouse,
My pen is a keyboard,
And my paper is an LCD.
I guess I’m just a philosopher
Born in the time of robots.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Bush Vetoes Anti-Torture Bill

In what could be the "true colors" move of the entire Bush presidency, George W. Bush announced today that he has vetoed a bill that would ban certain interrogation techniques that have been called torture. These include waterboarding, and the use of electricity and dogs. Why would he do this, you are asking. Well, of course, these techniques have weaned useful answers out of men who clearly have information about attacks that are forthcoming against Americans.

Eh, not really.

I read a book about this a couple months ago that I mentioned in a blog. If you look at the way networks develop in general, you can see that if one person is caught, he will be detached from the group. All of his knowledge of the so-called attack will be minimized and the group will change the plan to eliminate risk that that person will be able to surrender information that will be ket in stopping the attack. They estimate that within 24-48 hours of the capture the information that a detainee gives is rendered useless because he has been disconnected from the network.

We hear the argument often of, "what is torturing one person saves an attack that would have killed thousands or millions?" (i.e 9/11, London, Madrid, USS Cole, etc). The thing is, this had never happened. In reality the only good that has come from an interrogation is the present war in Iraq. Oh, I guess that's not such a good thing. In President Bush's 2003 State of the Union address he said terrorists and al-Qaeda were developing in Iraq. This not-so-true tidbit of information was extracted from a purported terrorist caught in Afghanistan and taken to one of the CIA's secret prisons. Al-Libi delivered a piece of info that, ironically, has led to al-Qaeda's development in Iraq and other global chaos as a result of the US occupation of Iraq.

The point? Ban torture! Tricking yourself into thinking it works doesn't mean it actually works. Members of the House have declared that they will not stop until this bill passes. Let's hope it does, and the innocent can remain free. Because if we torture our suspected terrorists, who will be next domestically?

Saturday, March 1, 2008

You say mustache, I say moustache



Today is the official beginning of Mustache Match, and I am excited. As you can tell by this photo, I have been cheating by pregaming in February. Things are gonna get ultra creepy by the end of the month when my mustache will likely reach my lower lip and obstruct all food from entering my mouth. The boys from work, the dome, and hopefully everyone else I know is participating. Ladies, don't follow suit. Femme-staches are not too hot.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Quick Vegas Trip



I took a trip to Vegas yesterday and came back today to see my mom complete the course I did out there about 6 months ago. It was a great time, got to see a lot of my friends who I don't see or talk to enough, enjoy some sushi and enjoy the scenic drive.

I was on the way home this afternoon and about a mile from my house when I pulled behind a small VW with a man, woman and child in it. The car has Nevada plates, he was in the left lane of a four lane road and I couldn't pass him, but he was going slow as hell... probably 30 in a 40. So I love-tapped my horn and passed him right after when I got a chance to go. Well the guy wasn't too happy about the honk. He tailgated me then pulled next to me at the next signal and, quoth he, "Hey I'm from Vegas, I'm not from some freak town like you." I may have yelled something back as he drove away.



It was great. Here I drive 275 miles each without incident either way, don't sit in traffic except for right near my house, and some loco Las Vegan (is that what they're called?) gives me a clever and stern lesson on regional traffic differences. I have spent quite a bit of time in Vegas, and have driven myself just about every time. The traffic gets bad, but not that bad. The worst it gets is how the 10 and 405 freeways are basically all day. Still, having your head up your ass doesn't really pair well with driving no matter where you are. We drive as fast as we can when we can because it's always short lived. And freak town? Come on. Venice weirder than Vegas? That's a push, but I'm not even FROM here.

Thanks for the comedy sir. You probably know some people I know, and you probably aren't even a dick, as I assumed you may have been. You probably are witty too, though from your comment I have my doubts. It's good to go, and it's good to be back.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Trust Women - thanks for the prompt




This is a funny one. I was walking back from surfing in Manhattan last week and I saw a Camry or some other sedan with this sticker on it. I am not sure what the logic behind the sticker it. It presumes that a large number of people don't trust women, or that we can't or shouldn't trust them. What if the sticker said "Trust Asians" or "Trust Euro-mutts" (i.e. me). As a Euro mutt I would be confused by that. Do people in general consider me untrustworthy?

I found the image above on a website entitled "what men think of women" with the following ten judgments of men toward women. They are funny, yes. True, perhaps. Reasons to mistrust? I'm not sure.

Top Ten Reasons Why American Women Suck
1) Selfish - to the point where they don't know the difference between love of self and plain downright greed--and drilled into believing that whatever happens is the fault of whatever man is in their life because of the feminist crud drilled into them by the cadre of asexual closet cases called "therapists" who appear on "Ricki", "Oprah" or other such electronic drivel
2) Deluded - into thinking they "deserve" a rich, model-handsome husband who will "take them away from all of this"--whatever the "this" might be--and leading to resentment when they discover that the universe does NOT revolve around them
3) Angry - ALL the damn time about things which are so far out of their control as to be nonsensical--and constantly wanting to "discuss" this mind numbing drivel ad nauseam
4) Psychotic - multiple personalities in the same woman - as "Nomad" put it in the "Star Trek" episode: "Woman...a mass of inconsistencies...", and also when the feminist voices in their heads start with the regrets and victim acculturation
5) Worthless - anything that does not immediately resolve itself in her favor or to her benefit is meaningless to her, especially husband and family
6) Lazy - drilled into their head that they "deserve" a maid, nanny and personal slave to take care of every detail - and that their husband/boyfriend is REQUIRED to cater to their each and every mindless whim
7) Resentful - especially of other women who have things that they do not, in material, spiritual and esoteric senses
8) Greedy - to them, "housekeeping" means getting the house in the divorce (thanks to Zsa Zsa for that immortal line) and sucking the guy for every last cent, even if they had nothing to do with the building of the nest egg
9) Mindless - constant, irritating, idle prattle about topics they read about in some women's magazine and then become instant experts--particularly pop psychology and the latest crap they see on "Oprah" or "Ricki"
10) Vain - believing that they are irresistible to everything in pants and therefore are allowed to behave sluttish and without any honor

Friday, February 15, 2008

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I thought I would conclude National Sucker's Day...I mean Valentine's Day...with a few things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in life that would have made my life much easier. They blend together, but you get the point. I will add to this as I remember more important lessons.

1. Look at a girl's eyes, not her tits, as she's talking to you. Ok, this one is tricky. One side is saying, "Tits are amazing and what she is saying isn't." But the other side is saying, "Resist, resist, resist, you look like a creep." Useful information that I didn't learn early enough.

2. She won't always be that hot. This goes along with impermanence I talked about a couple weeks ago. The best looking girls from high school end up hairdressers or bartenders, 40 lbs overweight and looking like they have been chain smoking cigarettes since 10th grade. And those 23 year old guys they were dating junior year? They will be doing the roofing on the house I build myself in a few years.

3. Hidden gems. Yes, we all want to be the Alpha male and nail the Alpha female, but we all can't. They tend to be the worst for us anyway (see #4). Those select few that don't quite blip the radar are the real diamonds in the rough. Go ahead an take care of that and don't worry about the ultra nutty ones.

4. Good looking women tend to be more insane than the rest of them. They are concerned about their weight even though their bodies are immaculate, and they are self-conscious about what men and other women think of them. They are NUTS.

5. The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I don't know if this is actually true, but Tom Martin says it a lot and it's brilliant.

6. Chicks are sluts. Ok, bold statement. I mean women have stronger libidos than men. They are hornier. Rabid. There is a key to every lock and once you find it you enter the secret magical garden.

7. Women are cars, men are houses. That is, women depreciate in value, but men gain value as they age. How else would the oldest men end up with the hottest young ladies? It's a brand new Ferrari parked in a Hollywood Hills garage. And you can bet he's getting a new Ferrari next year.

8. Be a closer, not an opener. In baseball, the opener gets to throw the first pitch but rarely throws the last pitch. The closer is the one who gets all the glory by finishing off the other team. It's way more fun to be a closer than an opener.

9. A little goes a long way. This has served me well in business and life in general. Go the little extra bit that you don't think with be worth it and it with be much more worth it than you thought.

10. Don't be afraid to try your best. Kind of like the one above...chances are people want to see you try and not just be a lazy ass. Try your best and watch it pay off tenfold.

11. Don't make life decisions based on other people. We have all seen people make this mistake. They choose to do something based on what their parents want or significant other wants, but the best results come from doing something based on what you feel is right.

12. You are your own greatest asset. It's easy to think that someone is going to bail you out whenever you get into deep shit, but that probably isn't going to happen. The only person you can know for sure will always be on your side is yourself - if you decide that it's going to be like that.

13. When the cup is full, one cannot add tea. This comes from an ancient Zen story in which a student says he wants to know more, but his actions indicate that he thinks he knows everything. The master pours more tea into a full cup and says "You must empty your cup before I can add more tea." If you think you know everything, there is no room for improvement.

14. Plant the seed and water the tree if you want to pick the fruit. Things take time and care. The proper combination of these things, along with some luck, with ensure that things happen.