What Men Want

Ladies, you are driving me nuts. Do you know what kind of fiery passion it takes for me to sit down at my computer and waste energy to write something? Quite a bit. Let's face it though, you all, the "gentler sex" are complicated and we gentlemen are pretty simple. I am going to break it down for you in 10 simple steps.

1. First priority is to get some sexin. We don't want to talk, take you out to dinner, buy you gifts for your birthday or holidays, listen to your stories about your friends saying this or that, or anything else. We are hanging out with you to get laid. If we want to talk to someone or go to dinner we can call one of our friends.

2. Enough talking. Men don't solve problems by talking, we solve them by doing. You can interpret that as boning, and you would be correct.

3.. For us, it's either ON or OFF. There is no, "I think I like him, but not really, but he's kinda cute and I think he has money, but he's kinda a dork too, OMG, I don't know." For us there is no confusion. We either want to bang you (hard) or we don't want to bang you at all.

4. The first night: it's OK to put out. This is tangential to #3. There is a myth that men somehow respect women LESS if they put out on the first date. Not true. We respect women who go for what they want over women who hold back because they think it's the right thing to do.

5. You aren't a prostitute, so don't act like one. Making us think that if we don't buy you things, dinner or drinks we won't get laid makes you someone who takes money for sex. That is what fifty cent hookers do. If you want us to treat you well, don't force us to treat you like prostitutes.

6. Keep it hot and smell good. Not all women are victors of the genetic lottery, and neither are all men, but we can all do our best. Looking good is obviously nice, and smell is closely tied to memory so smelling good will leave a good impression on your gent.

7. We love to eat. Some like greasy, unhealthy food, some of us like the healthy stuff, some like it raw. Figure out what your man likes to eat, practice making it a few times until it's ultra tasty, then make it and make enough for him to dig into and maybe have leftovers. Do this and he might even cuddle with you that night, after the sexin of course.

8. We have our own hobbies, slow your roll. I surf, you don't and that works for me. Get in the way of your man doing what he loves and any future you may have had will be doomed.

9. Don't talk about your ex's. Ever. We realize you have been fucked before, and that is important because otherwise you would probably be horrible in bed. We are just incredibly uninterested in hearing about the guys you have dated.

10. Girls we're fucking versus ladies. Some girls are permanently in the realm of "girls we're fucking," while others will enter the realm of "girls we may have seen during daylight." In order to enter the latter, follow the above steps.