On Thursday, June 25th, 2009 I was not in my office in Westwood, California as I may usually be. In the afternoon I was in Huntington Beach, California with my room mate Adam about to enjoy the shittiest surf session of our lives. I played some brick breaker on my phone for about 25 minutes before putting on my wetsuit and paddling out. When I returned I learned of a tragedy - the death of the many who sang Billie Jean and was accused of touching little boyz on the pee pee.
I looked at my phone and saw what no man should ever see - precisely one million facebook ststus updates on the death of Michael Jackson. They ranged from clever ("now I'm the best dancer in the world") to phonily heartfelt. I turned to Adam, who was driving us to a BBQ in Newport Beach, California, and told him I would soon know the exact time of death of Michael Jackson. How? I'll tell you how.
The "MJ is dead" updates began abruptly, with the normal range of "fuck my life" and narcissistic updates before 3:15pm and only Michael Jackson updates after. It didn't actually give the time though, only "one hour ago" and since it was 4:15pm and all of them said the same thing it was safe to assume an hour was the call. I combed the worldwide web via telephone while Adam's X3 cruised the Highway of the Pacific Coast and found that Michael Jackson had been reported dead at 3:15pm.
I knew this must be close to his actual time of death since Hollywood PR firms and news outlets, the most prolific of which being TMZ, have offices between cardiologists at UCLA Medical Center in Westwood, California just in case someone famous dies and reporting of said death needs to be done. My office is in plain sight of this hospital too, so I missed out on something to tell the grandkids. Just kidding. I'm never going to have grandkids.
Ergo, facebook triangulated the time of death of Michael Jackson. Next up for facebook is protecting against STDs. You help people get laid then don't protect their urethras? How irresponsible.
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