I hate you, Kings of Leon

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Moooove bitch, get out tha way!

Ludacris is from Los Angeles. How else would be have penned such appropriate lyrics? Our midwestern transplant friends, though nice and cheery, need to learn how to drive in the interest of avoiding a drive by shooting or being run off a freeway overpass.

What possesses people to slam on the brakes suddenly, drive slow in the middle of a wide open (but one lane) road, change into the fast lane to go slower, swerve without warning, or the like is unbeknownst to me. You can go left right when the light turns red, and you can turn right on a red light in California. These must be illegal in Sheboygan. Even if they weren't illegal here it wouldn't matter because no cops want to sit in traffic so nobody gets traffic tickets.

Underpinning this is the great irony of the metropolis. It's great to live around a bunch of people for the variety, but it sucks when you just want them to get the fuck out of your face (or lane).

Got an original slogan?

Remember that great Got Milk commercial from about 10 years ago? It was a work of genius, but it has spawned something so horrible that it must be killed immediately. Despite the fact that this commercial is pretty old, and even the milk processing board doesn't (or shouldn't) even use this slogan any more, people still think it is a viable and - get this - creative way to promote something.

These are all real:
Got Acai? Got Wax? Got Hope? Got Sand? Got Wolf? Got Net? Got Ketchup? Got Music? Got Drums?

They're endless. Even Southwest Airlines has done its own spinoff with its "Gotta get away?" spots. Is this what America has come to? Beating a dead horse with a concept that should only exist on "I Love the 90's?"

Waves, Women and Wine

"It's hard to get hold of and hard to let go..."

So quoth Modest Mouse in their most recent album, and I tend to agree. We wait and try hard to get things we want, but when we reach them they are gone, destined to live in eternal cycles of prospect and retrospect with an ephemeral refractory period.

Take my three favorite things, usually in this order: waves, women and wine. We anticipate the great feeling we get from them, but they are quickly ridden (waves and women) or swallowed. We try to savor the taste and feeling, but this is futile.

This is where one must learn to let go of that of which he has tried and tried to get hold, I suppose. I can try to get my last wave, woman, or sip of wine back, but short of a miracle, it is not going to happen. And would I really want it back? Do I want to relive my life's best experiences or forge ahead to create new ones?

We tend to resist change because it brings the unknown, but perhaps that which we resist most is that which sets us free. Perhaps change is the only thing we can count on. Everything we know of exists in the past, even what you just read. You can read it again, but it's will then re-enter the past.

Is it easy to get hold of or to let go? Probably not, but for me this inextricable pair is necessary to my survival.

Deja Vu

I don't really know how long this has been happening because it all seems to repeat and I am losing track of time, but I get deja vu at least a couple times a day. Unfortunately it isn't anything too exciting, like deja vu of a gorgeous woman with perfect breasts trying to seduce me. Everything is much more mundane. Walking through my office, driving and seeing certain signs, conversations with people...I'm may be losing it.

My exquisite French skills tell me that "deja vu" means "already seen," so have I already seen these things? I was stoned and I thought that maybe deja vu happens when a given number of objects in sight are common. I told you I was stoned right?

I guess it would be useful if I could do something with this deja vu blessing. I would be able to predict what someone is going to say, say it, and make them feel really awkward, or know that the 405-10 interchange is going to have a lot of traffic at 5:30PM and somehow find the perfect alternate route.

Anyone want me to read their crystal ball?

I'm moving to Australia

I didn't really need an excuse: beautiful women, great surf, nice scenery and good food are all up there for me. But any country that has to enact a law like this is one that deserves me as a constituent. I highlighted a couple key lines.

Booze ban for Wollongong council workers
BY BRETT COX

The lunchtime schooner or glass of wine has been banned for Wollongong City Council employees after the council introduced a new workplace safety policy.
More than 1500 staff now face disciplinary action or the sack if found to have a blood alcohol level at work of more than 0.02 - which State Government guidelines say can be reached with just one standard drink.

As of last week, any person employed by the council can be asked to take a drug or alcohol test if suspected of being intoxicated.

Unions are supportive of the move, with United Services Union Wollongong spokesman Scott Peterson saying the policy creates a safer workplace and provides health benefits for employees.

"It's right across the board and I think that's right - any council employee, indoor or outdoor, may be required to operate a vehicle or have to interact with the public," he said.

The council's director of corporate and community services, Illana Halliday, said the "fit for work" policy had been in development over 12 months.

Sections of the council - mainly those who operate machinery - have already been "dry" for some time.

"All staff and managers have undergone training in the policy and are aware what is now required of them when they come to work," Ms Halliday said. "That means no alcohol during work hours. If a staff member stops work for lunch, meal breaks or work functions, they must be below the alcohol limit of 0.02 to return to the workplace."

In addition, no employee is allowed to ingest, inhale or inject any drug at work, except where the drug is legally prescribed by a medical professional.

"Council management and staff all agree the policy is a positive step forward, not only for safety and liability reasons, but to continue to improve our image in the community as a responsible and professional employer," Ms Halliday said.

"If a test comes back positive there are a number of steps that will be taken. This includes disciplinary action and possible termination.

"Council will also offer its employees rehabilitation support in the instance of alcohol or drug dependency."

NSW council for civil liberties president Cameron Murphy said the policy could be problematic because breathalysers can be inaccurate and employees might inadvertently be over the limit after drinking the night before.

"Employers try to bring in these policies ... it's an invasion of privacy," he said.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Yesterday I spent the day at my new office then jammed out to get to Downtown Disney in Anaheim to celebrate my friend Leo's birthday. I had to work early today and I decided to have a couple drinks and that I would drive home after the festivities had ended, but as is often the case, the night had different plans that would dictate what I would actually do.

We started with a beer, then a few cocktails in the hotel room, then more beers at the bar, shots of Jagermeister and whiskey, and then fuzziness. We bullshitted and generally caused a ruckus for the bartenders before finally having to leave some time around 12:30AM to try and find a "secret bar." Cross-eyed shithouse as many of us were, it was difficult to put one foot in front of the other, much less navigate to a hidden bar.

We found no bar, but we did find ourselves being whisked out of the general Downtown Disney vicinity, a place normally populated with junior high kiddies and families with youngins, for making noise and tinkling in the perfectly groomed shrubbery. We made it back to the hotel via taxi where I knew it would be a great idea to try and vomit. Since my body has an aversion to puking anywhere that could be easily flushed or cleaned up I was unable to ralph until I got into my bed and had a nice spew.

I woke up this morning still drunk and aching, next to a pile of puke, my fingernails and toenails painted sparkly purple, my wallet and phone marinading in the water that I must have spilled on them and having to drive 45 minutes to make it to work on time. Alas, I made it to work, got a dying breath of "Sayonara" from my phone and got most of the polish off my fingers. It's still on my toes since it looks pretty.