What Men Want

Ladies, you are driving me nuts. Do you know what kind of fiery passion it takes for me to sit down at my computer and waste energy to write something? Quite a bit. Let's face it though, you all, the "gentler sex" are complicated and we gentlemen are pretty simple. I am going to break it down for you in 10 simple steps.

1. First priority is to get some sexin. We don't want to talk, take you out to dinner, buy you gifts for your birthday or holidays, listen to your stories about your friends saying this or that, or anything else. We are hanging out with you to get laid. If we want to talk to someone or go to dinner we can call one of our friends.

2. Enough talking. Men don't solve problems by talking, we solve them by doing. You can interpret that as boning, and you would be correct.

3.. For us, it's either ON or OFF. There is no, "I think I like him, but not really, but he's kinda cute and I think he has money, but he's kinda a dork too, OMG, I don't know." For us there is no confusion. We either want to bang you (hard) or we don't want to bang you at all.

4. The first night: it's OK to put out. This is tangential to #3. There is a myth that men somehow respect women LESS if they put out on the first date. Not true. We respect women who go for what they want over women who hold back because they think it's the right thing to do.

5. You aren't a prostitute, so don't act like one. Making us think that if we don't buy you things, dinner or drinks we won't get laid makes you someone who takes money for sex. That is what fifty cent hookers do. If you want us to treat you well, don't force us to treat you like prostitutes.

6. Keep it hot and smell good. Not all women are victors of the genetic lottery, and neither are all men, but we can all do our best. Looking good is obviously nice, and smell is closely tied to memory so smelling good will leave a good impression on your gent.

7. We love to eat. Some like greasy, unhealthy food, some of us like the healthy stuff, some like it raw. Figure out what your man likes to eat, practice making it a few times until it's ultra tasty, then make it and make enough for him to dig into and maybe have leftovers. Do this and he might even cuddle with you that night, after the sexin of course.

8. We have our own hobbies, slow your roll. I surf, you don't and that works for me. Get in the way of your man doing what he loves and any future you may have had will be doomed.

9. Don't talk about your ex's. Ever. We realize you have been fucked before, and that is important because otherwise you would probably be horrible in bed. We are just incredibly uninterested in hearing about the guys you have dated.

10. Girls we're fucking versus ladies. Some girls are permanently in the realm of "girls we're fucking," while others will enter the realm of "girls we may have seen during daylight." In order to enter the latter, follow the above steps.

Crazy week worthy of note

In the last fews things have gone a little crazier than usual. I worked all day Friday then rushed to get a costume (think 1950's officer Dangle with a real mustache), I got some stuff then went to get in my car. It refused to work as has the same symptoms as when it broke down 6 months ago on my trip to the Pacific Northwest. I celebrated Halloween, but went to sleep before two with work in the morning.

I was feeling a little sick Sunday, but not too bad. I toughed out work with lots of coffee. I went to work at another job Monday feeling like absolute shit, and I had my car towed to the repair shop. They were going to send me home, but a few people had already gone home. I couldn't really speak, but I made it out alive. Yesterday I barely slept then was supposed to work at 11 AM, but I went to the clinic (poor speak for "hospital") so I could get a prescription for antibiotics. I got someone to cover my work shift and I slept all day.

I watched the election results and went to sleep right after BrObama's speech. It was a great historic event with some partying to be done, but I wasn't quite up to it. I think it was the first time in years I have missed a day of work and a night of partying for being sick. It was devastating seeing Prop 8 pass here in California. This means that our state's constitution must define marriage as being on;y between a man and a woman. What's wrong with us people? The high speed rail initiative passed, but the bond that would have saved the state money and given incarcerated people a chance to go to rehabilitative programs was rejected by 60% of voters. Sometimes it seems like we have gone so far, and sometimes it seems like we are moving backwards.

I waited all day yesterday for a diagnosis on my car and the guy didn't call. He called me at 8 AM to say that nothing was wrong with it. Sure enough, I go to drive it and it works perfectly. Pay $70 and you can take it, Benhameen. I can breathe and swallow now and I'm pretty stoked on that. I still have a massive spider bite on my nose that seems to be growing even larger than it was a week ago when I got it. I can also drive, though I am confident my car is waiting until I don't suspect to break down again. It's a vindictive bitch like that. Unless you're reading this, car, I love you.

Enough.

I'm cheating to save my nuts.

Yesterday was the beginning of the illustrious and brilliant month of Movember. The month, a simple amalgamation of November and Mo, short for Mustache in many countries, encourages men to not shave their upper lips for the entire month, then look for sponsors of the event to raise money for prostate cancer research.

Here's the problem: I have been growing my mustache for the past month and a half. I have even trimmed it twice to avoid spare hairs in my mouth. A true Movember participant will shave on 11/1 and let it grow the whole month, but I think my minor deviance from the rules will go uncalled if I can raise some good cash.

Anyone in on either side?